I miss the moon

This is my first entry on this site, if that's of note? Idk.
My lovely friend introduced me to all of this, and it seems nice, so hopefully I can get some feelings out or smth.
I think on lockdown a lot. I'm not sure why that is. It was so long ago but it feels so close, because we never truly healed, I think. Or maybe everyone else did, and it's just me. But I think we have all struggled, and we still do.
The one thing I remember about lockdown, or the thing I actually like remembering, is the sky. I don't remember when it started. But we dug up an inflatable plastic sofa, and every night I would lie on it for hours, and stare at the sky.
It was so clear at night. There were always so many stars. It feels so corny and cheesy now, but still poetic, I guess?
The sky is not as clear anymore.
I never go into my back garden anymore. I used to play games on the small bit on grass, and pretend I was a small child trying to get to school by hiking through an artic wasteland. I saw a documentary about something like that, I think, and I thought it was interesting.
I had such little space, I would just walk around and talk to myself. And it was like I was there.
I remember one day, I pretended to be Anne Shirley, and I named these giant trees that were in the garden of the house diagonal to us. If that makes sense. Like our backs were facing each other and it was the house next to the parallel house. I don't remember what I named the trees. But they were royalty.

I miss the stars. And I miss the moon. It's probably out my window right now. My room faces the garden and the moon. So I could probably look for it. But I probably won't. I never open my curtains.
I don't think I can truly blame lockdown for what's wrong with me. I don't really blame myself, even. But I do know that it made things worse.
I'm going to try a week, and see if I can break a bad habit of mine. It's a new year but I'm still doing it, literally today. I want to stop. But I'm scared that if I try too hard to stop it'll just turn on me.

My dance classes resume tomorrow. I'm looking forward to seeing my friends again. But there's this girl, who's a few years older than me. She's so lovely. But one day, one of my friends was upset about something, and she took her out to talk. I was worried, and then the girl asked if I was okay. I wasn't. I was in a really bad state during that time. But I lied. She saw through me, I think. She said I could always talk to her if needed. I genuinely want too. But I don't want to ask her. I need her to ask me, but I also don't want to get to a state where you can tell somethings wrong. So idk.

I want to live deep underground, just for a bit. A system of tunnels, and darkness. Echoes. I like echoes.

-N