Let the dust settle on your eyelashes

I wrote a poem in science, today. I'll type it up and post it on here later.
I just want to be done. But I can't be, not yet.

I'm so tired. Of everything. But I must keep going, it seems.
I was going to say more. But I'm going to try and get sleep, I think.

When my heart starts to flutter like a trapped butterfly, I know I'm still alive.

-A witch

I have this deep, incessant urge to lock in, but also I can't find it in myself to care about any of the sciences. If I get a six I'll thank the void.
I really want to stop sleeping. Idk why. But I feel like if I just exist and do nice things instead, I'll just have a better time. I get weird dreams about people I love dying, which isn't fun tbh. My other dreams are just a bit surreal...so yeah.
Part of me is like, sleep, get good, care. But I don't. But I do. Idk.

Why don't we see things about the Russia Ukraine war anymore? Why do we hear almost nothing about Palestine? Why is the world unraveling, making it even harder for people like me and my friends to exist.

I always knew the world would die. I just assumed I would die first.

Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like if I was sick. Like really sick. I think about not telling anyone, just vanishing. Then they hear that I'm gone, and they're sad. Or I think they're sad. Why am
I so morbid? I'm meant to be a silly witch but noooo.

Tonight, I'll do some physics. Then I'll watch vods until my head hurts and my eyes are heavy. It's easier to sleep when you try and stop yourself from it.

I want my life to be full. I want to be so busy until I burn out, like a shooting star. But I wonder what I'll do when the sparks fade.
Sometimes I think to myself, if I don't have these clubs, these commitments, then what's the point of existing? Last year, I would pull myself out of my spirals by telling myself, you have a dance show, you have to go to rehearsals for the musical, people are counting on you to show up. And then I would stay okay.

I wish I could just stay okay regardless.

Sorry, this is a terrible ramble. I think I'll be better soon. I might just ramble about the book I'm writing, or my latest ocs at some point instead. But I need to pull myself out of whatever this is first. I'm not depressed. I think. I just need sleep. It's an endless cycle I guess.

I wish existence was easier. Then maybe we would all do it more often.

-Mimi

My head hurts. Everything hurts, and I wish I could actually be productive and revise like a normal person. I went to the gym today, which was good. I want to get strong.
I was thinking about how when I was in year 7, I was terrified of breaking rules. I once had a pretty bad panic attack, and I was taken to the wellbeing room, to calm down or whatever.
There was a year 9 girl there, and she asked me why I was there. I always remember what she said to me.
"No one cares."
She didn't say it in a mean way. Not at all. There was tone that cannot be read. She was trying to tell me that it wasn't a big deal, if I missed out on a house point, if I forgot a book, if I wasn't perfect all the time.
If year 7 saw me now, five years later, she would probably be amazed.
I do homework before tutor starts, less than an hour before it's due. I copy off my friends if I'm tired.
I sometimes hide my homework booklets, say I forgot to give me more time to do it.
I eat in class everyday, because I don't have a decent area to eat in, and because I can't stop eating. I used to chew gum in class as well.
I never got caught, because why would they think anything of the quiet nice student?
It's quite funny.
I wish things could just be okay. But they never are with me.

This is my first entry on this site, if that's of note? Idk.
My lovely friend introduced me to all of this, and it seems nice, so hopefully I can get some feelings out or smth.
I think on lockdown a lot. I'm not sure why that is. It was so long ago but it feels so close, because we never truly healed, I think. Or maybe everyone else did, and it's just me. But I think we have all struggled, and we still do.
The one thing I remember about lockdown, or the thing I actually like remembering, is the sky. I don't remember when it started. But we dug up an inflatable plastic sofa, and every night I would lie on it for hours, and stare at the sky.
It was so clear at night. There were always so many stars. It feels so corny and cheesy now, but still poetic, I guess?
The sky is not as clear anymore.
I never go into my back garden anymore. I used to play games on the small bit on grass, and pretend I was a small child trying to get to school by hiking through an artic wasteland. I saw a documentary about something like that, I think, and I thought it was interesting.
I had such little space, I would just walk around and talk to myself. And it was like I was there.
I remember one day, I pretended to be Anne Shirley, and I named these giant trees that were in the garden of the house diagonal to us. If that makes sense. Like our backs were facing each other and it was the house next to the parallel house. I don't remember what I named the trees. But they were royalty.

I miss the stars. And I miss the moon. It's probably out my window right now. My room faces the garden and the moon. So I could probably look for it. But I probably won't. I never open my curtains.
I don't think I can truly blame lockdown for what's wrong with me. I don't really blame myself, even. But I do know that it made things worse.
I'm going to try a week, and see if I can break a bad habit of mine. It's a new year but I'm still doing it, literally today. I want to stop. But I'm scared that if I try too hard to stop it'll just turn on me.

My dance classes resume tomorrow. I'm looking forward to seeing my friends again. But there's this girl, who's a few years older than me. She's so lovely. But one day, one of my friends was upset about something, and she took her out to talk. I was worried, and then the girl asked if I was okay. I wasn't. I was in a really bad state during that time. But I lied. She saw through me, I think. She said I could always talk to her if needed. I genuinely want too. But I don't want to ask her. I need her to ask me, but I also don't want to get to a state where you can tell somethings wrong. So idk.

I want to live deep underground, just for a bit. A system of tunnels, and darkness. Echoes. I like echoes.

-N