![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
A year older
Feb. 9th, 2026 02:12 amIn a few hours, I'll be a whole year older. Crazy to think about, but also not.
I've grown accustomed the passing of time over the years. Changing the year when I write the date, doing the maths in year 7 to see when I'd do my GCSE's, and see it be 2026. It's now 2026.
I really wish I could fall asleep. I'm not even trying to be awake this time, I'm not even tired.
I tell myself it's insomnia, my mother tells me it's my own fault for being on my phone before bed. I don't know who to believe.
On Friday, I was coming back from drama, and looked at the sky. It was starry, because it was cold. I just looked up at them for a while. It was nice.
I just looked out of my window, and it's cloudy. Idk why I thought it wouldn't be.
It's depression, I think. I think I've been this way for a long time.
I just looked up the symptoms for depression in children and teens, and I fit most of them. Exhaustion, trouble sleeping, distant from friends, even over/undereating.
There we go then.
I reread an old entry, just now. I said I thought I wasn't depressed. How things change.
I just went on WhatsApp, and three of my friends wished me happy birthday at midnight, including my friend who forgot last year. That makes me happy, I think.
I've not felt anything real for a while. I hope that changes.
-Mimi
I've grown accustomed the passing of time over the years. Changing the year when I write the date, doing the maths in year 7 to see when I'd do my GCSE's, and see it be 2026. It's now 2026.
I really wish I could fall asleep. I'm not even trying to be awake this time, I'm not even tired.
I tell myself it's insomnia, my mother tells me it's my own fault for being on my phone before bed. I don't know who to believe.
On Friday, I was coming back from drama, and looked at the sky. It was starry, because it was cold. I just looked up at them for a while. It was nice.
I just looked out of my window, and it's cloudy. Idk why I thought it wouldn't be.
It's depression, I think. I think I've been this way for a long time.
I just looked up the symptoms for depression in children and teens, and I fit most of them. Exhaustion, trouble sleeping, distant from friends, even over/undereating.
There we go then.
I reread an old entry, just now. I said I thought I wasn't depressed. How things change.
I just went on WhatsApp, and three of my friends wished me happy birthday at midnight, including my friend who forgot last year. That makes me happy, I think.
I've not felt anything real for a while. I hope that changes.
-Mimi
I have this deep, incessant urge to lock in, but also I can't find it in myself to care about any of the sciences. If I get a six I'll thank the void.
I really want to stop sleeping. Idk why. But I feel like if I just exist and do nice things instead, I'll just have a better time. I get weird dreams about people I love dying, which isn't fun tbh. My other dreams are just a bit surreal...so yeah.
Part of me is like, sleep, get good, care. But I don't. But I do. Idk.
Why don't we see things about the Russia Ukraine war anymore? Why do we hear almost nothing about Palestine? Why is the world unraveling, making it even harder for people like me and my friends to exist.
I always knew the world would die. I just assumed I would die first.
Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like if I was sick. Like really sick. I think about not telling anyone, just vanishing. Then they hear that I'm gone, and they're sad. Or I think they're sad. Why am
I so morbid? I'm meant to be a silly witch but noooo.
Tonight, I'll do some physics. Then I'll watch vods until my head hurts and my eyes are heavy. It's easier to sleep when you try and stop yourself from it.
I want my life to be full. I want to be so busy until I burn out, like a shooting star. But I wonder what I'll do when the sparks fade.
Sometimes I think to myself, if I don't have these clubs, these commitments, then what's the point of existing? Last year, I would pull myself out of my spirals by telling myself, you have a dance show, you have to go to rehearsals for the musical, people are counting on you to show up. And then I would stay okay.
I wish I could just stay okay regardless.
Sorry, this is a terrible ramble. I think I'll be better soon. I might just ramble about the book I'm writing, or my latest ocs at some point instead. But I need to pull myself out of whatever this is first. I'm not depressed. I think. I just need sleep. It's an endless cycle I guess.
I wish existence was easier. Then maybe we would all do it more often.
-Mimi
I really want to stop sleeping. Idk why. But I feel like if I just exist and do nice things instead, I'll just have a better time. I get weird dreams about people I love dying, which isn't fun tbh. My other dreams are just a bit surreal...so yeah.
Part of me is like, sleep, get good, care. But I don't. But I do. Idk.
Why don't we see things about the Russia Ukraine war anymore? Why do we hear almost nothing about Palestine? Why is the world unraveling, making it even harder for people like me and my friends to exist.
I always knew the world would die. I just assumed I would die first.
Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like if I was sick. Like really sick. I think about not telling anyone, just vanishing. Then they hear that I'm gone, and they're sad. Or I think they're sad. Why am
I so morbid? I'm meant to be a silly witch but noooo.
Tonight, I'll do some physics. Then I'll watch vods until my head hurts and my eyes are heavy. It's easier to sleep when you try and stop yourself from it.
I want my life to be full. I want to be so busy until I burn out, like a shooting star. But I wonder what I'll do when the sparks fade.
Sometimes I think to myself, if I don't have these clubs, these commitments, then what's the point of existing? Last year, I would pull myself out of my spirals by telling myself, you have a dance show, you have to go to rehearsals for the musical, people are counting on you to show up. And then I would stay okay.
I wish I could just stay okay regardless.
Sorry, this is a terrible ramble. I think I'll be better soon. I might just ramble about the book I'm writing, or my latest ocs at some point instead. But I need to pull myself out of whatever this is first. I'm not depressed. I think. I just need sleep. It's an endless cycle I guess.
I wish existence was easier. Then maybe we would all do it more often.
-Mimi
End of the week
Jan. 16th, 2026 08:37 pmIt's Friday. What a week.
I genuinely cannot stand my new English teacher, but I can't articulate what she does. I just know it's rude, and unprofessional, and I wish I could just get on with it. Why did my other one have to retire? Why couldn't she have waited until July? I get it, but also I'm upset.
My blood pressure keeps dropping, because I don't eat, and it's making me feel awful. Now my mum wants me to start eating breakfast before school, but I genuinely can't. I don't know why. I'm just scared, I guess. I don't want to eat. I just want to photosynthesize instead.
I'm worried about my friends, and myself. I just want to rot a little bit.
I'll have dance again tomorrow. It should be nice.
Maybe the weekend will be better.
I genuinely cannot stand my new English teacher, but I can't articulate what she does. I just know it's rude, and unprofessional, and I wish I could just get on with it. Why did my other one have to retire? Why couldn't she have waited until July? I get it, but also I'm upset.
My blood pressure keeps dropping, because I don't eat, and it's making me feel awful. Now my mum wants me to start eating breakfast before school, but I genuinely can't. I don't know why. I'm just scared, I guess. I don't want to eat. I just want to photosynthesize instead.
I'm worried about my friends, and myself. I just want to rot a little bit.
I'll have dance again tomorrow. It should be nice.
Maybe the weekend will be better.
