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deaddustwitchSometimes I feel like I could just disintegrate into dust. And I would feel fine with it.
When I was nine, I would think about what would happen if I stopped existing. Like entirely. It wasn't like I wanted to do it myself, I just would just think about it a lot. I was fascinated by it. Looking back, it was probably suicidal idealisation. Which is fine. But it's also not. I was nine. I should have been like a child. But I wasn't.
It wasn't anyone's fault. It wasn't my parents fault, or my brother, or my friends. It was just me and my ridiculous brain.
I've never done anything. Never tried anything. But it scares me how fast I can start spiralling. It makes me scared to be by myself.
On Sunday, I was home alone. I went to take crisps, even though I'd already had some, and I was going to eat in my room and hide the wrappers. But then I started thinking about it.
It's 2026. It's been two years of binge eating. I had been doing so well for a month, but it's so easy to just eat during Christmas.
I was suddenly on the floor. I was in a curled up ball. It wasn't a panic attack. But it was something.
I didn't eat the crisps. But I ate grapes.
I look back at photos from when it was really bad, and I'm so fat. I was so wide and my face was so round and I feel like there's too much of me. I'm not at that stage anymore, of eating full sized bars of chocolate for breakfast every morning at school, eating full tubes of oreos at dance. But it would be so easy.
There were times were I've thought about making my self throw up. Or just restricting food. But binging is so much easier to hide. If my parents found out...I don't even know what I would do. And people know to look for eating disorders on that side of the spectrum more than food addiction and binging. It could go downhill so fast.
I've had too much to eat already today. I might skip dinner. I probably won't.
I'm sitting. I always sit.
I don't want to talk about it with my friends, but I want them to know? But also they shouldn't need to worry about me, or look out for me all the time. On Monday I will try and stop. I promise.
I think.
-Mimi
When I was nine, I would think about what would happen if I stopped existing. Like entirely. It wasn't like I wanted to do it myself, I just would just think about it a lot. I was fascinated by it. Looking back, it was probably suicidal idealisation. Which is fine. But it's also not. I was nine. I should have been like a child. But I wasn't.
It wasn't anyone's fault. It wasn't my parents fault, or my brother, or my friends. It was just me and my ridiculous brain.
I've never done anything. Never tried anything. But it scares me how fast I can start spiralling. It makes me scared to be by myself.
On Sunday, I was home alone. I went to take crisps, even though I'd already had some, and I was going to eat in my room and hide the wrappers. But then I started thinking about it.
It's 2026. It's been two years of binge eating. I had been doing so well for a month, but it's so easy to just eat during Christmas.
I was suddenly on the floor. I was in a curled up ball. It wasn't a panic attack. But it was something.
I didn't eat the crisps. But I ate grapes.
I look back at photos from when it was really bad, and I'm so fat. I was so wide and my face was so round and I feel like there's too much of me. I'm not at that stage anymore, of eating full sized bars of chocolate for breakfast every morning at school, eating full tubes of oreos at dance. But it would be so easy.
There were times were I've thought about making my self throw up. Or just restricting food. But binging is so much easier to hide. If my parents found out...I don't even know what I would do. And people know to look for eating disorders on that side of the spectrum more than food addiction and binging. It could go downhill so fast.
I've had too much to eat already today. I might skip dinner. I probably won't.
I'm sitting. I always sit.
I don't want to talk about it with my friends, but I want them to know? But also they shouldn't need to worry about me, or look out for me all the time. On Monday I will try and stop. I promise.
I think.
-Mimi
